The concept of limerence has gained traction in recent years, especially with social media platforms like TikTok shedding light on the topic.
According to Cleveland Clinic, "'Limerence' describes an involuntary attachment to another person -- also known as a 'limerent object' (LO) -- that takes on an obsessive quality."
"The involuntary nature of the connection is key: The experience of limerence is similar to addiction and other compulsive behaviors," Cleveland Clinic continues. "Limerence alters your mental and biological state. You're consumed by your feelings for another person, whether you like it or not."
Anyone can experience limerence, but those with a history of attachment issues in early childhood are more prone to developing it. Specifically, individuals who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) might find themselves trapped in these intense romantic obsessions.
"In BPD limerence, early attachment wounds create what psychologists call fright without solution -- a psychic paradox in which the person of deepest desire simultaneously becomes the source of greatest fear," Imi Lo, MA, psychotherapist, wrote on Psychology Today.
"Originally observed in infant-caregiver relationships marked by disorganized attachment, this state emerges when a child faces an unresolvable approach-avoidance conflict, where the attachment figure simultaneously represents both safety and threat. Since the person you are supposed to trust and find safety and comfort is also a source of threat, and neither attaching nor retreating entirely could resolve the conflict, you are left with nowhere to turn."
Lo explained that in adulthood, this can create a sort of BPD limerence that involves projection onto and idealization of the limerent object. During these limerent episodes, the person's nervous system is all out of whack, triggering symptoms/behaviors like obsessive attempts to connect with the person, extreme anxiety, impulsivity, and eventually dissociation or emotional numbness.
"This unrelenting dance between approach and retreat, between desperate longing and paralyzing fear, is what makes BPD limerence so unbearably disconcerting," she wrote.
Since limerence is often shame-based (as is BPD), many people struggling with this comorbidity experience intense guilt and self-blame for acting and reacting in certain manners. What's more, other individuals -- especially the limerent objects -- might interpret the behavior as manipulative, controlling, aggressive, and even apathetic, Lo said.
However, those with BPD are typically not intentionally trying to control others. Rather, they are attempting to calm their nervous system while grappling with a perceived abandonment, Lo explained.
"To them, it is not about 'controlling others' but about surviving the next moment," she wrote. "This understanding doesn't excuse harmful behavior, but it offers a pathway towards genuine empathy."
This begs the question: how can one heal from this agonizing experience?
Since BPD and limerence both stem from early attachment patterns, it's crucial for the individual to have a safe therapeutic relationship with a professional during recovery. That way, they can heal in a secure, non-shameful environment that operates as a "corrective emotional experience," according to Lo. She shared that some specific interventions that might help sufferers also include somatic therapy for emotional regulation and attachment therapy to address the underlying issues.
"Recovery involves not blaming or shaming oneself for having these feelings, and recognizing that the same depth of feeling that powers limerent attachment can be channeled into other life-affirming pursuits," Lo wrote on Psychology Today.
Though I've never been diagnosed with BPD, I have had my own struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and limerence. When I was experiencing a particularly dark bout of shame for the way my brain was operating at the time, my therapist reminded me that we are all complex humans. We all have our own issues, flaws, and baggage -- so, what if we shifted the narrative?
Sure, maybe you feel things more intensely than others -- but perhaps that's why you're such a passionate friend and partner. Maybe that's why you're so creative and empathetic. That's not to say you shouldn't work on yourself; we all can benefit from therapy and self-improvement. But the solution isn't to "fix" yourself.
Rather, it's to practice radical self-acceptance while working with a professional to heal. Not so you can become "worthy" or "deserving" of love, but so you can finally authentically accept and lean into it.